you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
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Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
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For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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