Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
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Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
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Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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