i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Couch. On fire.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
