Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
