I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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