I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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