I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
