Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
being pregnant is like rehab
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
