Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
