your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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