True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
