I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
