you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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