do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
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