And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
All the doctor said was why
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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