I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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