Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
