i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize