I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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