on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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