did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I supernannyed him into submission
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
