At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
