All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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