4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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