Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
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