i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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