How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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