I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I smell stomach acid.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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