Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
