omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
