if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
