Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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