flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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