I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
