Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
