I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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