Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
