my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
barbara walters just said penis...
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
