You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
He passed out mid-signature
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
