my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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