If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Randomize
