Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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