No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
