i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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