Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
