Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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