i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Randomize
