That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
