Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
The Olympian is in my bed
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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