you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
