Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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