so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
