he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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