wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
