I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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